Ecco alcune storielle divertenti medio-lunghe in inglese... non avevo voglia di tradurle in italiano (tra l'altro, per alcune si perderebbe il senso con la traduzione, essendo basate su giochi di parole...). Buon (lungo) divertimento! DONNE 1) Qui pro quo… A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari." 2) Artisti… There was a world famous painter who, in the prime of her career, started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world. After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office. Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art: the doctor's office. During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor, 'What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?' To this, the eye doctor responded, "I said to myself 'Thank the Lord, I'm not a gynecologist.'" 3) Donna informatica… HARD-DISK woman: She remembers everything, FOREVER. RAM woman: She forgets about you, the moment you turn her off. INTERNET woman: Difficult to access. SERVER woman: Always busy when you need her. CD-ROM woman: She is always faster and faster. EMAIL woman: Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense. VIRUS woman: Also called “wife”; when you are not expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if you don’t you will lose everything!! 4) Ridere fa male… Arrested For Laughing: A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When She Noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on Account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her third move he burst out laughing…… She had him arrested. Then the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn’t help noticing she was pregnant.. She sat under an advertisement, which read: ‘Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins’. I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement, which read: ‘William’s Stick Did The Trick’. Then I could not control myself any longer when on the third move she sat under an advertisement, which read: ‘Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.’ The case was dismissed! 5) Tre donne in una macchina… Three blondes are sitting in car and the car got locked from out side and they did'nt understand how 2 get out of it... the 1st one says i got a pin and i think i can try opening the lock with that the 2nd one says no no what can u do with a pin i've got a gun and i'll open the door with it... the third one says hey girls do something if some1 does'nt open the door it's gonna rain and we three wil be drenched don't u see this is an open top car... Bambini & insegnanti 1) Da dove vengono i bambini? A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry” 2) Foto di gruppo The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. 'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.' 3) Circolazione cardiaca… A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.' 'Yes,' the class said. 'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?' A little fellow shouted, 'Cause your feet ain't empty.' Religioni e dei vari (astenersi polemici…) 1) Iconoclastia A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.' The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.' Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.' 2) Peccati originali… The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE . God is watching.' Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.' 3) Guerre di religione About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome. Naturally, there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice, so they picked a middle-aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed. The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay." An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?" Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here." "Yes, yes, and then?" asked the crowd. "I don't know," said Moishe, "He took out his lunch, and I took out mine." 4) Usanze particolari… Back in the olden days when Samurai were important, there was a powerful Japanese Emperor who needed a new Chief Samurai. So he sent out a declaration, throughout the entire known world of that time, that he was searching for a Chief Samurai. A year passed, but only three people applied for the very demanding position: a Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai, and a Jewish Samurai. The Emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the Chief Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opened a matchbox, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword, and the bumblebee dropped in two pieces, obviously dead on the ground. The Emperor exclaimed: "That is very impressive!" The Emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese Samurai also opened a matchbox, and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, Whoosh! and the fly dropped dead on the ground in four small pieces. The Emperor exclaimed: "That is VERY impressive!" Now the Emperor turned to the Jewish Samurai and asked him to come in and demonstrate why he should be the Chief Samurai. The Jewish Samurai also opened a matchbox, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around. The Emperor, obviously disappointed, said: "Very ambitious! But why is that gnat not dead?" The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said: "Circumcision is not meant to kill." 5) Ahia! Little Janice was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, “Tell me Janice, who created the universe?” When Janice didn’t stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. “God Almighty!” shouted Janice and the teacher said, “Very good” and Janice fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked Janice, “Who is our Lord and Saviour.” But, Janice didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. “Jesus Christ!” shouted Janice and the teacher said, “Very good,” and Janice fell back asleep. Then the teacher asked Janice a third question. “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?” and again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Janice jumped up and shouted, “If you stick me with that thing one more time, I’ll break it in half and stick it up your a*s!” … the teacher fainted! Varie… 1) Q: What's the difference between biology and sociology? A: When the baby looks like his dad or mom, then it is biology. When the baby looks like the neighbor, then it is sociology. 2) Q: What is the similarity between men and rats? A: Both keep searching for new holes. 3) Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period? A: Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5- days and if it doesn't come, it means you are in big trouble. 4) Q: Doctor: You look so weak & exhausted. Are you having 3 meals a day as I have advised? A: Lady: Doctor, I thought you said 3 males a day. 5) Q: Tarzan and the animals went to the river to take a bath. Tarzan removed his clothes. All the animals laughed. Tarzan asked "Why"? A: The animals told him. Your tail is in front". 6) Question: What would you like to have... Fruit juice, Soda, Tea, Chocolate, Milo, or Coffee? Answer: Tea please. Question: Ceylon tea, Herbal tea, Bush tea, Honey bush tea, Ice tea or green tea? Answer: Ceylon tea. Question: How would you like it? Black or white? Answer: White Question: Milk, Whitener, or Condensed milk? Answer: With milk. Question: Goat milk, Camel milk or cow milk Answer: With cow milk please. Question: Milk from Freeze land cow or Afrikaner cow? Answer: Um, I'll take it black. Question: Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey? Answer: With sugar. Question: Beet sugar or cane sugar? Answer: Cane sugar. Question: White, brown or yellow sugar? Answer: Forget about tea just give me a glass of water instead. Question: Mineral water or still water? Answer: Mineral water. Question: Flavored or non-flavored? Answer: I'll rather die of thirst. 7) La globalizzazione I received this i an email and I thought it was quite clever ! Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization? Answer: Princess Diana's Death. Question: How come? Answer : An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend Crashes In a French tunnel, Riding in a German Car With a Dutch engine, Driven By a Belgian Who was Drunk On Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling), Followed Closely by Italian Paparazzi, On Japanese motorcycles, Treated By an American doctor, Using Brazilian Medicines. This is Sent to you by A Canadian, Using American Bill Gates' technology, Developed in Israel And You're probably reading This on your computer, That Uses Taiwanese chips, And A Korean Monitor, Assembled By Bangladeshi Workers In a Singapore plant, Transported By Indian Truck drivers, Hijacked By Indonesians, Unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, And Trucked to you by Mexican illegals..... That, my friends, is Globalization ! Sesso (astenersi moralisti bigotti… ) 1) Questi italiani maleducati… A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but she listens in horror as one of the men says the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I come again. Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more." "You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma just tellun my friend howa ta spella Mississippi." 2) Papà! Papa! L’uomo nero! A man returned home earlier than usual. His son met him, very upset, and crying, "Daddy, there's a monster in your bedroom." "There's a what?" "A monster. And he's hidden in mummy's wardrobe." So the man went upstairs, found his wife in bed and opened the wardrobe door. Inside, his oldest friend tried vainly to hide himself behind a rack of dresses. "Twenty years, you've been my friend," bellowed the husband, pulling his former friend out by the hair, "And the best thing you can find to do is frighten my little boy." 3) Sorpresa! One day a hippie gets a ride on a public bus and sees a hot young nun. He sits down next to her and promptly asks if she would like to have sex, to which she immediately says no and walks off the bus. The bus driver leans over and says “Hey guy I know how to get that nun to have sex with you…” Naturally the hippie asks, and the bus driver tells him that every night at midnight the nun goes to an old graveyard to pray for god to forgive her for her past, and that he should dress up like god and tell the nun she will be forgiven if she has sex with you. The hippie gives his thanks and runs to the nearest costume shop. Later that evening the hippie gets ready for his big night and drives down to the graveyard and sees the nun praying, on her knees. He says “Behold, I have heard your prayers and you shall be forgiven if you have sex with me!” The nun agrees but asks if they can have anal sex in order to keep her virginity. The hippie agrees and once they are finished the hippie jumps back and pulls off his mask and says “Surpise, its me the Hippie!” The nun jumps up and pulls off her mask and says “Surprise, its me the bus driver!” 4) <<Fare inversione a “U” appena possibile>> Once upon a time in a place where little sperms grow, there was a super jock sperm who spent all his time working out. He did things like lifting weights and swimming, his most important duty. All the other sperm were very curious about his pastimes. "Why do you keep working out all the time," they asked. "Well," he said, "Of all us sperms, only one of us is going to make it to the egg. And that is going to be me." Well, the other sperms just floated around waiting for the day to come. And it did, and they were off! All those sperms racing along and far out in front of them was the super jock sperm, racing so fast and so hard that they couldn't see him any more, but they still kept coming. Alas, then, away in the distance, they heard a loud piercing scream. They still kept coming though. And then very shortly the super sperm appeared, screaming with all his might - "Back, back, back, Go back! IT'S A BLOW JOB!"
Quelle che hanno più "talento" sono sicuramente quella con la maglietta blu e quella con la maglietta rosa scuro.
anche a voi le vuvuzelas stanno sulle pelotas? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R8JGhoVybkM VUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUVUUUUUUUUUUUUUVUUUUUUUUUUUUU mi sono ribaltato quando a moria i due con le vuvuzelas vengono colpiti dalle frecce VUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
Attenzione! il contenuto è potenzialmente esplicito: siete pregati, nel caso pensiate di potervi sentire offesi dai contenuti, di non cliccare sul link http://www.corriere.it/gallery/scie..._699e08f8-7d11-11df-b32f-00144f02aabe.shtml#1
naaa... è che consulto il sito del Corriere più volte al giorno... [lo dice mentre scappa più in fretta che può per sfuggire al lancio di pomodori e verdure varie]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vXZPwSdsDuo E in effetti non è che abbia tutti i torti, bisogna riconoscerlo: quando uno è bravo a fare qualcosa... :contratto: Dai, il ritornello non suona male però
<...Ho 25 anni e faccio la escort...> sarà di sicuro una campagna d'odio comunista... d'altronde, perchè lavorare in un call center quando hai altre doti ?
